Bad Day

I'm having a bad day. These have come and gone over the time my parents have been separated. I've really been doing well for quite awhile, but last night I had trouble sleeping and therefore I had too much time to think.
I am so incredibly disappointed in my dad right now. I imagine it's like the disappointment I caused my parents when I was a teenager. Except I never did anything this bad. (As if one sin is greater than another, but you know what I mean.)

I give respect where deserved- and there are alot of people in my life that deserve respect. I used to have a lot of respect for my dad- he works hard, has fun, did what was right, committed everything to family, sacrificed a lot for christian school and church.
My respect for him is gone. (Thanks to his continued adultery.)
Maybe it'll come back some day. Maybe if he deserves it. But, he has to earn it. It took probably 20 years to win my full respect the first time.

The Bible says to honor your father (and mother)... I don't know what to say about that. I have a lot of questions for God about that. A lot of "what ifs". I think God understands that I am struggling with this right now...


I AM also thinking about some happy things today- I am 18 week pregnant. Almost half way! In another week or two we will find out if it is a boy or girl! I think it's a boy. I've always just had a feeling. I would not be disappointed if it's another girl though. How convenient if we could re-use all of Kyla's clothes and things!

This pregnancy seems easy (other than the sickness in the beginning.) But, it's more relaxing when you know what to expect and when I keep busy with Kyla. The time goes fast and I'm in no real hurry.

I'm still waiting (not so patiently) for Spring and Summer. We won't have much of a vacation since I need to save up for maternity leave, but we're looking forward to some weekend trips and fun outdoor adventures. We even enjoy our walks to the park. We're hoping to build Kyla a swing set in our backyard too, and maybe get a little pool. (Maybe I can keep dreaming since everything costs so much money... but we'll see :)

I hope you all continue to pray for us. I still feel like we need a lot of prayers! This still sucks.

Picture Time

It's time to share some pictures of Kyla and all the crazy things she does!

Here she is- Miss America!

Playing outside our house on a nice day.

Kyla doing her "chores"- feeding Mason his supper.

In this picture, Kyla packed her green bag (on the right) and her basket, headed to the door to put on some mittens and hat. And said "Bye guys! Love you!"

She loves too cook in her little kitchen. She made herself some "munch" aka lunch. And decided to "eat" it at the table.

Dad.

I miss my dad. A lot. I think it's been 2 months since I've really seen him. The thought of this makes the tears roll down my cheeks. It's my old dad that I miss- the caring, selfless, family man. I've always got along with my dad really well and understood and related to him. Until now. I cannot relate to his actions and choices. I understand that married couples grow apart and some even get divorced. But, it's not just the divorce decision, it's this lifestyle that I worry about.
He sent me to Christian school, took me to church, instilled these values into me. Now where are his values? They're in him somewhere, maybe (hopefully) only temporarily lost.
I will not let his influence have an effect on my family, and on that I stand firm. It may be harsh that I refuse to speak to my dad, but he's gone too far. Until he straightens out his life, he will not be a part of mine.
At least he is teaching me something through this. Priorities. I will learn through his mistakes. Yes, mistakes. Big mistakes.

Let's talk about me

I am still very mad at my dad for his choices and actions. I still don't get what his intentions are. He doesn't want to be married to my mom- I get that, albeit foolish. But, what's even more foolish is how he is now spending his spare time. Now, I'm just disappointed in him.

BUT... that's not going to be the subject of today's blog... Let's cover the other aspects of my life. How about we start with Kyla Mae.
She is 19 1/2 months old and although she's beginning to become naughty, she amazes me and makes me laugh. She LOVES to talk. Constantly. She gives play-by-play dictation as our lives unfold, and she's very observant. The other day, while watching Mason visit his outdoor bathroom, she informed me- "Mason poop outside. Daddy poop in potty. Kyla poop diaper." She's right... sparty pants.
Today, she decided to pack a bag, swing it over her shoulder, and head to the door where she put on her boots and hat and said "Bye guys. Love you!" :)
Her ability to memorize books is quite impressive too.
Our next goal- potty training. We've gotten a little potty and some Elmo panties, but haven't been real serious about it yet. She has pooped in the potty once, but no pee. Maybe in another couple months we'll buckle down.

My pregnancy is going well. I am 15 weeks along and have my appetite back. I had a doctor appointment yesterday and the baby's heart rate sounded good. Nothing else to really report. In another month we will have an ultrasound and find out if it is a boy or girl. I have taken the predictor questionnaires and checked the ancient Chinese calendars and all signs point to "boy". I think it's a boy, but I actually want another girl. We'll see...

About a month ago, I got braces put on my teeth- it's been worse than I expected with all my extra apparatuses. My most recent addition is a jaw spreader which is on the roof of my mouth. Every other night, I have to turn it so it will slowly widen my top jaw and make room for all my teeth. It's painful and food gets stuck and my tongue is raw from rubbing against it. Plus, it gives me a speech impediment. But... that's the sacrifice for beauty. It was my choice, so I'm toughing it out.

Work is busy right now as we begin the transition from paper charts to computer charting. Us nurses have to abstract all of the paper information into the computer, which is very time consuming and pretty boring. It's created quite a bit of overtime work. The pay is good, but I really don't find it enjoyable. I do what I can, but would rather be home with Greg and Kyla.

Greg continues to work night shift, but he is being changed to day shift next week. I don't know that I'll love that. For one thing, it means I have to get up earlier and bring Kyla to daycare. On the other hand, I'll get to see Greg more in the evenings. It'll be a good change.

One last topic- I am sick of winter! I just LONG for summer. So many fun things to do- walk, swim, play in the yard, bike trails, go to the zoo, go to the park, the dog park, maybe go camping. We won't have much vacation time with my maternity leave to save up for, but anything is better than being couped-up in the house all the time. I cannot wait and I know Kyla will love being outdoors more!
The baby is expected to arrive at the very end of August. The time is going fast already, but, I'm going to enjoy every minute!

?

Warning: I am very open here. I am emotionally wrecked. Don't read this if you can't handle it.

I'm 25 years old. You know me- young, married, busy, pregnant.
My dad is requesting a divorce from my mom. When my mom was my age, her dad died in an accident. Is there similarities between these two facts? Maybe?
At least I CAN talk to my dad if I want to. But, he did something wrong.
My grandpa didn't do anything wrong.
My dad is not "here" in some senses either- as a husband, as a role-model dad, as a lively Christian.
Some might argue that my grandpa wasn't the most ideal man in the world either, but he did what was right.

I am mad. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to anyone. My parents are getting divorced. I looked through my phone list and couldn't find anyone I wanted to talk to... I, of course, am mad at my dad and maybe a little at my mom. Maybe they could have done something sooner? I am also questioning why God would let this happen to one if His marriages.

My mom, of course, is having a bad night. Her siblings are with her, for this I am thankful...
I can't be there with my mom. Not only do I have to take care of Kyla, I need to take care of myself and my emotions. I can't supply them to anyone. This is hard.
My dad seems to be fine. He went back to work after he stopped in to tell my mom he wanted a divorce. No emotion there.

I don't know why the comparison of my dad and grandpa are going through my head. It's probably kinda weird, but I need something to focus on.

Any recomendations? I probably need a therapist because I have no idea what to do, how to forgive, what to focus on.