Dear Diary,

I write my inmost thoughts here. Things I don't even talk about. My thoughts that no one else can control.
Some people are amazingly supportive. I love the emails that include bible verses and Christian words of encouragement and prayers.
Not many people in my life know what it's like for the concept of a Christian family to be seriously tested. You can't relate unless you've been there. I never imagined this happening to me, but, it could've happened to anyone. Satan is capable of these things. These experiences can be used for good or bad. I hope to see good in people... Prayers that God will work us all through this and spare relationships, words that can only help someone feel better, cards and flowers to keep piling up on my mom's table... No more judgement, negative upbringings, accusations and blame-games.
I've hurt some people through my words. But from now on I am resuming my positive spirit. My cup is half full. My smile tells people I'm a Christian. My calm manner with help me and others through this.
My mom is hurt, my dad is hurt. The two of them made this happen, the two of them can fix it. My prayer is for them to get help and try. You can't blame someone for trying.

Control

This blog was started to share things about Kyla, but I'm glad I have it for myself lately and I hope it's okay that I use it to vent emotion.
I sometimes wonder how many people read my blog... I'm glad you do. I like to share. I'm a very open person. There's something about writing that is easier than saying. And I have alot of thoughts lately.

A wise reader emailed me today regarding yesterday's blog entry. Here's a copy of one of the sentences in that email.

"You say you like to be a leader and in control but there are some things that are out of your control and you need to hand those to God."

Wham. I love it. This is something I know, but I guess I forget about it. Is that possible? To forget? How would I forget about this? I think I just need reminding, as everyone does. I've been praying and begging God to make this right. I ask Him to give me the right things to say, especially to my dad. I ask for direction. I give thanks for what I do love in life. But in the moments that I get the most pissed off, I admit that God isn't the first person I talk to. I'm going to work on this.
And although my dad is responsible for most of what is stressing me out lately, there are other things, normal stressors in life that I am entirely going to bring to God as well... marriage, motherhood, pregnancy, priorities, work (do I continue to work 40 hours a week?)... my list could go on. But I am not the one to control all of this.

Thanks for the feedback and the reminder. :)

My inside

My life may appear to be perfect- Greg and I married for almost 6 years, cute little Kyla with another baby on the way. We have a new house, new car, jobs, we're able to buy what we want. We work hard for all of this, and I am thankful.

But on the inside, my thoughts are not so perfect. I worry about this baby inside of me. (I found out at 16 weeks when I miscarried in 2008)
I don't love my job... some things drive me absolutely crazy.
And I think my dad is an idiot, either that, or he has a mental problem. I don't say that in a funny way...
One might leave their spouse because of an affair, or maybe because their spouse drinks too much and beats them. But, to leave your wife because she is "controlling" and you haven't been getting your way. Stupid. Fixable. Frustrating.
I love to be a leader, in control. And I can't do anything about my parents marriage except support and pray. It's so hard. I have a lot of anxiety because of it. I don't want to separate my extended families. I don't want to explain to my kids one day why gamma and papa don't live together. This affects me BIG time and I HATE it.

My dad thinks everything will be just fine this way. "We're still a family."
It's NOT the same, it could never be the same. What is fine about your parents not being married?
I've been lied to for a long time, maybe indirectly. Family memories and trips, holidays and events. I've had a lot of fun with my parents and family. But, apparently, my dad was hating his life. And looking back on the last year, he really wasn't "there." He fell asleep at our family Christmas, now I know it's probably because he was dreaming of something else.

I'm just so mad. (On the inside)

A Great Gift

I'm pregnant! I am 12 weeks along. Due date is August 30. I found out I was pregnant on Christmas morning- what a great gift!! (I had strong suspicions, thanks to the crazy dreams I had been having and the cravings for green olives!) Greg had worked the night shift, so
I left him this gift to find when he got home.
We made a little video with Kyla, but I can't get it to load on this blog. You can check it out on my facebook page.
The time has gone by so fast so far. I felt pretty sick during the second month, but not too bad now. Thankfully, I felt good while we were on our cruise and I made well with my virgin pina-coladas. :)
We pray everything continues to go well. We're excited for another summer baby. Not sure that Kyla really gets it... we point out little babies everywhere we go. She does love babies! And she knows there is a baby somewhere under her mommy's shirt whom she "loves" and kisses.

Family Update

Well, my parents are still separated. (That's such a nice word for such a crappy thing...) But, I think some of the appropriate steps are taking place. I just wish I knew what the end result is going to be because I'm still really anxious and stressed about it. I probably hide it well, except for around Greg. Poor Greg. He's really getting the raw end of the deal putting up with my emotion and probable slight depression. I love him and he treats me so well.
My mom is finding out she has some pretty great friends, which I too am thankful for. I also think she is taking her frustration out on cleaning... her house is getting to be quite organized. She amazes me. What a great person to want my dad back after the crap he's pulled. I am loving her all the more for her strength and faith.
I talked to my dad tonight for the first time in about two weeks. I've been flat out mad at him, but he called me. We had mostly small talk about our trip, work, Kyla. He sounds better. When he first left mom, he sounded so lost and dazed. I hope he's starting to come to a realization.
All in all, we're all still waiting and I'm still praying... mostly for my dad. I just want him to be ready to fix this mess.
Ironically, tomorrow is my parent's 28th anniversary. That really sucks.

Kyla Mae = 1 1/2 years old!

Let's talk about Miss Kyla... she turned 18 months old while we were on our cruise. Here's what she's been up to:

-Talking like crazy! And starting to use phrases like "Mommy's is all gone." and "Mason's nye-nye"
-Going up and down the stairs on her feet while holding onto the rails.
-Loving ELMO!
-Getting chubby (she still loves her food ;)
-"Reading" books (by memory).
-Cleaning... she loves to take washcloths and wipe everything.
-Cooking... she uses her kitchen set and makes me coffee and chicken. haha
-Eating "Munkeys" (her favorite treats are Curious George fruit snacks)
-Currently getting her 13th and 14th teeth!

We have her 18 month doctor appointment next week to see how much she's grown.
I sometimes complain about how whiney Kyla is, but I suppose that is typical of a toddler. All in all, she's a pretty good little girl who loves to play and stay busy. I love the little stinker so much and enjoy how she makes me laugh and makes me feel loved. Being a mommy is so amazing and keeps on getting more fun!
I'm also so thankful that I get to do it with Greg... He's the best dad and husband!!